In order to get to my ideal, I must first warn you about the types of unsuitable men who seem to be in frightful abundance.
1. The wasteman. This man calls the guy behind the counter at 'The Chicken Cottage', boss. This is because, being unemployed, he does not know the correct usage of the word. He spends his days delighting the passengers on London transport with his MC-ing skills but can't be assed to sing his own kid/s to sleep. He approaches you on the bus (normally eating chicken & chips) by asking 'What you saying B? You gotta man? Child please, I noticed you didn't touch your oyster card on the reader as you got on the bendy. If you can't afford to take yourself from A to B then don't expect to C me.
2. The bully. This man will tell you the sky is green, not because he thinks it is but because he expects you to believe everything he says without question. He will use emotional blackmail, public humiliation, physical and mental abuse to achieve this. If you were the one who was wronged and end up tearfully apologising to the wrong doer, get out of there A.S.A.P!
3. The egocentric. The world revolves around this charmer. His constant need for attention is draining and often leads him to seek affection from other women. He is deeply insecure, self obsessed and a complete bore. He usually spends hours in the gym and may take steroids to build up those guns. Darling, your body is getting bigger but your manhood has shrunk, jog on.
1. The wasteman. This man calls the guy behind the counter at 'The Chicken Cottage', boss. This is because, being unemployed, he does not know the correct usage of the word. He spends his days delighting the passengers on London transport with his MC-ing skills but can't be assed to sing his own kid/s to sleep. He approaches you on the bus (normally eating chicken & chips) by asking 'What you saying B? You gotta man? Child please, I noticed you didn't touch your oyster card on the reader as you got on the bendy. If you can't afford to take yourself from A to B then don't expect to C me.
2. The bully. This man will tell you the sky is green, not because he thinks it is but because he expects you to believe everything he says without question. He will use emotional blackmail, public humiliation, physical and mental abuse to achieve this. If you were the one who was wronged and end up tearfully apologising to the wrong doer, get out of there A.S.A.P!
3. The egocentric. The world revolves around this charmer. His constant need for attention is draining and often leads him to seek affection from other women. He is deeply insecure, self obsessed and a complete bore. He usually spends hours in the gym and may take steroids to build up those guns. Darling, your body is getting bigger but your manhood has shrunk, jog on.
4. The stray. You are gay, don't fight it. Stop wearing my French knickers, you are stretching them.
5. The cretin. The troll that won't take no for an answer. Some women are worn down by all the constant flattery and awkward offers of dates. Don't give into this pity peddler. When you refuse his advances for the 15th time, he'll spread a rumour that you are a lesbian. Lay off the tuna sarnies at lunchtime, you'll only fuel the rumour.
6. Peter Pan. You are a 50, I am half your age... the answer is obviously no. And the skinny jeans. Stop it.
7. The double dipper. Ashley Cole, Tiger Woods, John Terry, Eddie Murphy, Jude Law.... enough said.
5. The cretin. The troll that won't take no for an answer. Some women are worn down by all the constant flattery and awkward offers of dates. Don't give into this pity peddler. When you refuse his advances for the 15th time, he'll spread a rumour that you are a lesbian. Lay off the tuna sarnies at lunchtime, you'll only fuel the rumour.
6. Peter Pan. You are a 50, I am half your age... the answer is obviously no. And the skinny jeans. Stop it.
7. The double dipper. Ashley Cole, Tiger Woods, John Terry, Eddie Murphy, Jude Law.... enough said.
There is a special type of man known as 'The Boris Becker', but this deserves it's own special blog...
Now the mythical beast I like to call Mr Perfect is defined as thus: Simple, (not mentally) ambitious, funny, honest, loving, (nothing like numbers 1-7) loyal and intelligent. How can such a short and uncomplicated list feel like an impossible ask? Is the answer to find a man for each of these qualities? Nice...but impractical. I like to think that we all possess these qualities in varying measures making Mr Perfect a little more human. Just be real, don't settle for anyone who doesn't treat you like a princess and don't make the mistake of assuming outer beauty reflects inner...
Lots of love,
Ms Perfect. XxX
