Having tried it, I must say I am not a fan. I'm not talking about gimp masks and spanking, I'm talking about the torture we inflict upon ourselves daily. Are we thin enough, tall enough, rich enough? Does it matter? HELL YEAH IT DOES! So after years of obsessing over my ass, crying over boys and banishing carbs I decided to give myself a break and get on with being happy. This is my secret guide to a less tortured life.1. The ex. Remain perfectly calm when you see him,even smile and ask him how he's doing. If you're finding it difficult to play nice (believe me I know it's hard) then imagine the various ways in which you could kill him (my favourite is an American history X biting the pavement style execution) whilst you discuss how well you're doing. Crying and acting like a demented crack-head will not remind him of the amazing girl he is missing. Breaking up is sad but it's a great time for reinvention and focusing on your talents so don't waste it nibbling on Ben & Jerry's. (Unless Ben and Jerry happen to be stunning models...mmmm giggety)
2. Your fat thighs. Moaning about this does not burn calories. Take immediate action and put on a pair of stilettos, stat! You'll look taller and thinner and tone your thighs as you go about your daily routine. Let's be honest, we're all happy being slimmer so don't buy into to this big is beautiful and I'm really happy shit. Save the lies for Jeremy Kyle. Cut 300 calories from your diet and exercise during your lunch break. The pounds will drop off quickly with minimal effort and the effect on your confidence is incredible. Have you noticed how your skinny friends always give you highly calorific gifts on your birthday? The sabotaging bitches! Send them pork scratchings as a thank you...when you leave the room, trust me, then will eat it. They get fatter, you get thinner. Win.
3. I HATE MY JOB!! This is a serious affliction and I'm sure no one is immune to the Monday morning dread. Take some time to think about what you really want from life. What makes you happy? You spend so much of your life at work so if you hate it do something about it before you turn suicidal. Make a plan. Think of all the little steps you need to take to make your dream a reality. What's holding you back? It won't be easy at the start but think about the big picture, struggle now and be happy later or have an unhappy but easier time now. As for the fitties out there... you know how to get to the top anyways
;-)Yes, it's unfair but it's life.
4. Am I pretty enough? No? Are you wearing MAC? No? Well there you go then.
Make the best of yourself. You only have one life to live so don't save the Victoria Secret lingerie for a special occasion. Breathing is a special occasion. Put it on now. Doesn't that feel sexy? Good. Put on your favourite scent, spend an extra 5 minutes on your face and wear a smile. If you look great you feel great. Simple, shallow truth.
XxX
