The F* word...

I was watching some stand-up last month and the comic came up with the following brilliant, but very crude comment on the state of modern relationships:

“I’ll tell you why teenage pregnancy is so high these days, fingering has gone out of fashion”

Ok… I’ll let you recover from that one… He has a very valid point though. Despite being comfortably out of my teens I still feel pressure to conform to this skip all the bases, casual- multiple –monogamy culture. Being a rebel, I don’t conform but there is undeniable pressure to do so. If you don’t you’re seen as backward, will probably be left behind on the scrap heap, be rubbish when you do meet ‘The One’ or you are simply the anti-Christ of feminism.

Why are we rushing to get to the bit that ultimately lasts about 3 minutes? And why is everyone giving it up so easily, worse still, criticising those who chose not to? You don’t have to be a man of the cloth to believe that sex should at the very least be with someone you know reasonably well…or at least their real full name because I’m almost certain you didn’t pull William Windsor in All Bar One.

Going in search of some random, sweaty, meaningless encounter just sounds a little bleak to me. A lonely generation of shallow, unhealthy, Twitter obsessed people looking for something to fill the void. I’d rather not, thanks. I'm no nun (I don’t think I'm kinky enough for the role) but what is the point of all of this indiscriminate sexing?

Are we so pressed for time that we can’t participate in little romantic gestures any more? We even have the time saving magic of text... But then I forget the messaging rules, never more than 15 a day and you can only put kisses at the end if they do something exceptional unless they respond with a kiss first, in which case you have the option of reciprocating…YAWN. True romance is dead. Here is it's tombstone and underneath lay a thousand sonnets written in vain.

Every trend comes to an end, so I hope that this one does too. And soon. I don't want to cut to the chase, Kiss chase is the best part! So let's bring it back along with heavy petting, sharing your last rolo and making puppy dog eyes at each other over loveheart sweets. I don't care what everyone does privately but I'd rather not be part of an age-group that has record STDs. It's just not sexy fresh.

Besos Xx

So hard...

London Underground at rush hour…looking around at the old man who hasn’t been offered a seat, the disinterested mother ignoring the fact that her feral offspring are disturbing us ‘would be in a better mood if I wasn’t so late and hung-over’, city workers, one can’t help but wonder, when did we all become so hard?

This morning whilst making the unnecessarily complicated transition at Kings cross from the Piccadilly line to the Northern, a lovely young man smiled at me as we crossed paths on the stairs. Rather than smile back immediately, my initial thought was, ‘what the devil are you looking at?’ Then I remembered the skilled make-up job I had completed between Turnpike Lane and Caledonian Road, and I thought, ‘oh yeah, I’m looking pretty cute today, better smile back’. But alas the moment had passed… and I realised my pre-elevenses self is a bit of a…well… you know.

In my opinion, state of modern women today leaves a lot to be desired. Scowling when men hold doors open for us, drinking ourselves to the point where we could be mistaken for someone with severe learning difficulties, using obscenities (yes, I say some pretty crude things myself but very rarely swear.) Scary pregnant women, with the threat of impending under-carriage down-pour, splattering on your beautiful shoes, brusquely demanding your NON FREEDOM PASS SEAT as her horribly large (no, I’m not sorry for that one) abdomen casts an expectant shadow over your Evening Standard. Undercuts and Dr Martins? Lord! Where has that feminine softness gone? Bring back the pretty dresses and flowing hair (weave allowance permitting.) Feminine charm is alluring and very powerful in the right hands so why are we so opposed to it?

How far does this modern ‘edgy’ attitude transcend into our romantic lives? Too darn mutha double-dutching far, I’d say. All of this power-suit wearing, ball busting, androgynous, feminist overhang from our parents making eyes over teeny portions of food in some Thatcherite eatery.
Yes women are equal to men…in terms of intelligence. There is no need for us to be drinking pints and adjusting our underwear in public. We are not men and why the hell would we want to be? I cringe at the thought of having to endure a random semi or worse still…smegma.

Wearing pink in the office does not make you a bimbo. Wearing stilettos does not make you a loose woman. Using your feminine wiles to get your male colleagues to help you with your work load is fine because in life you must use whatever advantage you have to get ahead. I’m not suggesting that this is the only power that women have. Far from it. It just seems to me that we are displaying overtly masculine behaviours, with our (not myself included) foul mouthed, binge drinking, rugby playing, shagging around, gave birth at my desk-to hell with maternity leave-if baby needs me tell it to hit me up on my BBM, ways. If that is feminism then I don’t want it! Testosterone and women is just plain ugly.

So let us embrace the fact that we are different from men. Lets not judge a woman who is content to be a housewife. Lets be nice to our female colleagues and stop this passive aggressive back stabbing. Lets accept compliments gracefully, and smile when doors are opened for us, and not be offended when a man wants to pay the bill. After all, men are here to ensure our happiness so what’s a flutter of the eyelashes in return?

XxX