BFF'S

 

In some strange way, it seems that everyone around me is trapped in an abusive relationship.

 I have a friend who constantly succumbs to the whims of a man who is completely unworthy of her. He only calls when he wants something, namely instant gratification and someone to play nurse for the evening. If they go out, he spins a pitiful tale about  accidentally cancelling his cards, giving his last £20 to endangered dodo's or being forced at gunpoint to spend his entire salary on Hermes cuff links (he doesn't get paid much). So she accepts yet another IOU, knowing full well, he'll never pay her back. She spends the rest evening being upstaged by his iPhone.

When they go out with friends, he reveals the little secrets she thought were just between them, plays on her insecurities, flirts/sexually harasses everything around him, then laughs and tells her she's paranoid if she questions his behavior. To add insult to injury, she has accidentally been copied in on an email in which he demeans every fibre of her being- from how easily she forgives - to how he is certain of the fact that he could sleep with her boyfriend anytime he wanted to.

Yes, you read the last bit right, for imagine this scenario is not with some loser of a boy, but with someone you call a friend. How can behavior like this be so unacceptable from a man yet many of us are accepting this crap from our girls? I used to be afflicted with such bitches until I learned the value of my time and friendship. Having put together a highly scientific study of the human leech, I've come up with a simple check list that'll help you spot one before you're sucked dry (steady).

• They run a spectacular gamut of emotions in a five minute conversation; a conversation in which you are barely allowed to speak.
• They fell out with their old best friend for "no reason- not at all my fault-she suddenly turned psycho"
• You drop all of your plans to assist in her emergency- and promptly discover this emergency is which pair of heels make her look the most shaggable. 
• Keeping up with  her love life requires a librarian, a secretary and a small news desk.
• She insists on borrowing your clothes, though they are too small for her. She then tells you she looks better in them. 
• Others say shes excitable but you'll learn to love her. This simply means she is a dick, but you'll get used to it. 
• You know the name of her first pet; she forgot you had your leg amputated yesterday.